A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed swine, " retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."
I am reminded of a real life incident of about 10 years ago.
I was working in a wall street investment bank when someone from the information technology group came by our office asking us to enter our passwords in the new software system.
My colleague Barry with his usual rebellious attitude entered the password : "Penis".
We all fell on the floor with laugher when the computer replied:
*** PASSWORD REJECTED. TOO SHORT *****
I was working in a wall street investment bank when someone from the information technology group came by our office asking us to enter our passwords in the new software system.
My colleague Barry with his usual rebellious attitude entered the password : "Penis".
We all fell on the floor with laugher when the computer replied:
*** PASSWORD REJECTED. TOO SHORT *****
toksin parajalt sisse oma passwordi,
kui selja tagant kostub v6igas karje: "nii lihtne password! ainult tärnid!!"
kui selja tagant kostub v6igas karje: "nii lihtne password! ainult tärnid!!"
riq, mis sa tegid, et pilti ei näe?
Mis teha kui abi pani raamatu valepidi kaasa! :-)
see on naljakas pilt, aga õnneks hoax... :)
http://www.snopes.com/photos/bushbook.htm
http://www.snopes.com/photos/bushbook.htm
Geography of a Woman:
Between the ages of 15 and 18, a woman is like China or Iran: developing at a sizzling rate, with a lot of potential, but as yet still not free or open.
Between 18 and 20 a woman is like Africa: half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful, with fertile deltas.
Between 21 and 30 a woman is like America: well developed and open to trade - especially for someone with cash.
Between 31 and 35 she is like India: very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.
Between 36 and 40 a woman is like France: gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.
Between 41 and 50 she is like Yugoslavia: lost the war, haunted by past mistakes, massive reconstruction is now necessary.
Between 51 and 60, she is like Russia: very wide and borders are practically unpatrolled, but the frigid climate keeps people away.
Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Mongolia: with a glorious and all conquering past but alas, no future.
After 70, she becomes like Afghanistan: almost everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.
Geography of a Man:
Between 15 and 70 a man is like Iraq: ruled by a dick*
Between the ages of 15 and 18, a woman is like China or Iran: developing at a sizzling rate, with a lot of potential, but as yet still not free or open.
Between 18 and 20 a woman is like Africa: half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful, with fertile deltas.
Between 21 and 30 a woman is like America: well developed and open to trade - especially for someone with cash.
Between 31 and 35 she is like India: very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.
Between 36 and 40 a woman is like France: gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.
Between 41 and 50 she is like Yugoslavia: lost the war, haunted by past mistakes, massive reconstruction is now necessary.
Between 51 and 60, she is like Russia: very wide and borders are practically unpatrolled, but the frigid climate keeps people away.
Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Mongolia: with a glorious and all conquering past but alas, no future.
After 70, she becomes like Afghanistan: almost everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.
Geography of a Man:
Between 15 and 70 a man is like Iraq: ruled by a dick*
Ülikooli arstiteaduskonna esmakursuslased asusid anatoomialoengus esimest korda ehtsa inimese laipa uurima. Kõik kogunesid operatsioonilaua ümber, kus valge lina all lebas laip.
Professor alustas loengut, öeldes:
"Meditsiinis on hädavajalik, et arstil oleks 2 olulist omadust - esiteks, ei tohi tunda jälestust millegi vastu, mis inimkehasse puutub."
Väite kinnituseks tõmbas professor lina ära, toppis sõrme laiba pärakusse, tõmbas sõrme välja ja lutsis seda. "Laske käia, tehke järele," ütles ta tudengitele.
Tudengid ehmatasid ära, kõhklesid mitu minutit, aga lõpuks asusid ükteise järel sõrme laiba pärakusse toppima ja seejärel lutsima. Kui kõik olid toiminguga lõpule jõudnud, vaatas professor neile pikalt otsa ning lausus: "Teine äärmiselt tähtis omadus on tähelepanelikkus."
"Mina toppisin sinna keskmise sõrme, aga lutsisin nimetissõrme.
sB ;)
Professor alustas loengut, öeldes:
"Meditsiinis on hädavajalik, et arstil oleks 2 olulist omadust - esiteks, ei tohi tunda jälestust millegi vastu, mis inimkehasse puutub."
Väite kinnituseks tõmbas professor lina ära, toppis sõrme laiba pärakusse, tõmbas sõrme välja ja lutsis seda. "Laske käia, tehke järele," ütles ta tudengitele.
Tudengid ehmatasid ära, kõhklesid mitu minutit, aga lõpuks asusid ükteise järel sõrme laiba pärakusse toppima ja seejärel lutsima. Kui kõik olid toiminguga lõpule jõudnud, vaatas professor neile pikalt otsa ning lausus: "Teine äärmiselt tähtis omadus on tähelepanelikkus."
"Mina toppisin sinna keskmise sõrme, aga lutsisin nimetissõrme.
sB ;)
Äärmiselt vana anektoot :-( Hindan 2 p vääriliseks.
Element Name: WOMANIUM
Symbol: WO
Atomic Weight: (don't even go there)
Physical properties: Generally soft and round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze any time. Melts when treated properly. Very bitter if not used well.
Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity with gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen.
Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.
Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands!
***************************************************************************
Element Name: MANIUM
Symbol: XY
Atomic Weight: (180 +/ - 50)
Physical properties: Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young samples.
Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with KD (Element: CHILDIUM) for prolonged period of time. Neuralize by saturating with alcohol.
Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source. Good samples are able to
produce large quantities on command.
Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell
Symbol: WO
Atomic Weight: (don't even go there)
Physical properties: Generally soft and round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze any time. Melts when treated properly. Very bitter if not used well.
Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity with gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen.
Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.
Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands!
***************************************************************************
Element Name: MANIUM
Symbol: XY
Atomic Weight: (180 +/ - 50)
Physical properties: Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young samples.
Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with KD (Element: CHILDIUM) for prolonged period of time. Neuralize by saturating with alcohol.
Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source. Good samples are able to
produce large quantities on command.
Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell
www.jarre.ac/misc/cow.mpeg
Igal juhul tegija lehm...
...küll sellistega Euroopa Liidu kurjadele farmeritele alles näitaks :o)
HU'S ON FIRST
By James Sherman
(We take you now to the Oval Office.)
George Bush: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
George: Great. Lay it on me.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
George: That's what I want to know.
Condi: That's what I'm telling you.
George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes.
George: I mean the fellow's name.
Condi: Hu.
George: The guy in China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The new leader of China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The Chinaman!
Condi: Hu is leading China.
George: Now whaddya' asking me for?
Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.
George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: That's the man's name.
George: That's who's name?
Condi: Yes.
George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of
China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the
Middle East.
Condi: That's correct.
George: Then who is in China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir is in China?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of
China.
Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
Condi: Kofi?
George: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?
George: No.
Condi: You don't want Kofi.
George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk.
And then get me the U.N.
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi?
George: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi: And call who?
George: Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
George: Will you stay out of China?!
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the
U.N.
Condi: Kofi.
George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.
(Condi picks up the phone.)
Condi: Rice, here.
George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we
should
send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese
food in the Middle East?
By James Sherman
(We take you now to the Oval Office.)
George Bush: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
George: Great. Lay it on me.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
George: That's what I want to know.
Condi: That's what I'm telling you.
George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes.
George: I mean the fellow's name.
Condi: Hu.
George: The guy in China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The new leader of China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The Chinaman!
Condi: Hu is leading China.
George: Now whaddya' asking me for?
Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.
George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: That's the man's name.
George: That's who's name?
Condi: Yes.
George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of
China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the
Middle East.
Condi: That's correct.
George: Then who is in China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir is in China?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of
China.
Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
Condi: Kofi?
George: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?
George: No.
Condi: You don't want Kofi.
George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk.
And then get me the U.N.
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi?
George: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi: And call who?
George: Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
George: Will you stay out of China?!
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the
U.N.
Condi: Kofi.
George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.
(Condi picks up the phone.)
Condi: Rice, here.
George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we
should
send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese
food in the Middle East?
mailinaljad on head
indeed
indeed
Soomlased ja temperatuur...
>+15°C / 59°F This is as warm as it gets in Finland, so we'll start here.
>People in Spain wear winter-coats and gloves. The Finns are out in the sun,
>getting a tan.
>
>+10°C / 50°F The French are trying in vain to start their central heating.
>The Finns plant flowers in their gardens.
>
>+5°C / 41°F Italian cars won't start, The Finns are cruising in cabriolets.
>
>0°C / 32°F Distilled water freezes. The water in Vantaa river (in Finland)
>gets a little thicker.
>
>-5°C / 23°F People in California almost freeze to death. The Finns have
>their final barbecue before winter.
>
>-10°C / 14°F The Brits start the heat in their houses. The Finns start
>using long sleeves.
>
>-20°C / -4°F The Aussies flee from Mallorca. The Finns end their Midsummer
>celebrations. Autumn is here.
>
>-30°C / -22°F People in Greece die from the cold and disappear from the
>face of the earth. The Finns start drying their laundry indoors.
>
>-40°C / -40°F Paris start cracking in the cold. The Finns stand in line at
>the hotdog stands.
>
>-50°C / -58°F Polar bears start evacuating the North Pole. The Finnish army
>postpones their winter survival training awaiting real winter weather.
>
>-60°C / -76°F Korvatunturi (the home for Santa Claus) freezes. The Finns
>rent a movie and stay indoors.
>
>-70°C / -94°F The false Santa moves south. The Finns get frustrated since
>they can't store their Kossu (Koskenkorva vodka) outdoors. The Finnish army
>goes out on winter survival training.
>
>-183°C / -297.4°F Microbes in food don't survive. The Finnish cows complain
>that the farmers' hands are cold.
>
>-273°C / -459.4°F ALL atom-based movent halts. The Finns start saying
>"Perkele (=damn), it's cold outside today."
>
>-300°C / -508°F Hell freezes over, Finland wins the Eurovision Song
>Contest. ###########################################
>+15°C / 59°F This is as warm as it gets in Finland, so we'll start here.
>People in Spain wear winter-coats and gloves. The Finns are out in the sun,
>getting a tan.
>
>+10°C / 50°F The French are trying in vain to start their central heating.
>The Finns plant flowers in their gardens.
>
>+5°C / 41°F Italian cars won't start, The Finns are cruising in cabriolets.
>
>0°C / 32°F Distilled water freezes. The water in Vantaa river (in Finland)
>gets a little thicker.
>
>-5°C / 23°F People in California almost freeze to death. The Finns have
>their final barbecue before winter.
>
>-10°C / 14°F The Brits start the heat in their houses. The Finns start
>using long sleeves.
>
>-20°C / -4°F The Aussies flee from Mallorca. The Finns end their Midsummer
>celebrations. Autumn is here.
>
>-30°C / -22°F People in Greece die from the cold and disappear from the
>face of the earth. The Finns start drying their laundry indoors.
>
>-40°C / -40°F Paris start cracking in the cold. The Finns stand in line at
>the hotdog stands.
>
>-50°C / -58°F Polar bears start evacuating the North Pole. The Finnish army
>postpones their winter survival training awaiting real winter weather.
>
>-60°C / -76°F Korvatunturi (the home for Santa Claus) freezes. The Finns
>rent a movie and stay indoors.
>
>-70°C / -94°F The false Santa moves south. The Finns get frustrated since
>they can't store their Kossu (Koskenkorva vodka) outdoors. The Finnish army
>goes out on winter survival training.
>
>-183°C / -297.4°F Microbes in food don't survive. The Finnish cows complain
>that the farmers' hands are cold.
>
>-273°C / -459.4°F ALL atom-based movent halts. The Finns start saying
>"Perkele (=damn), it's cold outside today."
>
>-300°C / -508°F Hell freezes over, Finland wins the Eurovision Song
>Contest. ###########################################
hm, kas see ei peaks mitte HEXi threadi all olema..:)